The Wine Commonsewer

Cheeseburger In Paradise

Aloha Gentle Readers,

Almost a decade ago, Jimmy Buffet sued the chicks that own Maui's Cheeseburger In Paradise for illegally using the title of his big hit of the same name. He shoulda sued them for making lousy cheeseburgers instead. Good Gawd Almighty, there's no way he was dreaming about THAT cheeseburger.

It's been a year and a half and I'm still stunned at how ghastly that burger was.

But the guys on the snorkel boat.......THAT was a cheeseburger. In paradise. Okay, it was a cheeseburger at Molokini, which was a tad disappointing. Molokini. Not the Cheeseburger. Too many people in the water and I don't like getting kicked in the head by other snorklers.  We saw more fish on the reef off of Kaanapali Beach than at Molokini. Still a nice ride and it was interesting to see the crater up close, good burgers (10 X better than Cheeseburger in Paradise), kids had fun, and a relaxing trip back--saw a couple dolphins and some green sea turtles.

Best snorkeling we've ever had in Hawaii (by a mile) was at Captain Cook on the Big Island. That was like swimming in an aquarium.

This bay (pretty sure it is Ahihi Bay) was a great place to snorkel (Mrs TWC & Jake). Way out past Wailea close to where the road ends not far from Big Beach. Be warned, Big Beach can be a Big Beach. Surf and wind conditions often combine to make swimming and boarding a little dicey. Jake'll fill you in on that.

As Ever,

TWC

This post was created in part from posts that originally appeared in June 2006

Fathers Day 2007

Good Morning Gentle Readers,

Last Father's Day TWC spent the afternoon listening to live jazz at Canoe's in Maui. The wine was good, the drinks were ghastly. Appetizers were pretty decent, and at two-for-one pricing, affordable enough to pig out. In its glory days, Canoe's was a Chart House and all the accouterments are still intact, including the resin-entombed table-top maps of the Sandwich Islands (hence the name Chart House).

And since it's Father's Day, here's The House Blond & her daddy all dressed up and ready to go to the Daddies & Daughters dance at Eagle Glen Country Club courtesy of Wilson Elementary School's PTA.

And a shout out to my own father who, like the rest of us, was once sixteen and full of himself. That's his Harry Connick Jr impression. Happy Father's Day, Pop.

As Ever, TWC

Napili Beach: Jake & Katie Turn The Lights Off & Lock Up

Aloha Gentle Readers,

TWC is stuck here in So Cal's notorious June Gloom and my mind's wandered off to visions of bare feet, hot sun, sticky sand, and warm azure water that is always a bit saltier than the mainland beaches.

This reprise of a post from last June is dedicated to Faithful Reader Stephen R, who also enjoys a nice sunset.

After 8 plus hours we drag them kids away, kicking and screaming.

Napili Beach is alive with sounds that are something akin to a muffled version of the screams and mechanical clanks of a theme park thrill ride soothed by crashing surf and then layered with uninhibited, belly-aching laughter of children unable to contain their sheer joy. Taken together, it's musical. Perhaps a cross between a distant wind chime and Asian-influenced new age music. But not quite.

The beach is steep and then flattens out underwater so the kids can ride the surf up the beach and then it sucks them back down in a continuous cycle sort of like one of those carnival pirate ship rides.This is a don't-miss beach on an island of great beaches.

As Ever,

TWC

Big Island Earthquake

Good Morning Gentle Readers,

An unedited report from Don & Kerrill (pronounced Carol), who live in South Kohala, about 10 feet from the epicenter of Sunday's Big Island quake.

You can book a week or two at their five bedroom five bathroom ocean view rental home here.

At about 7:00 this morning we were heading out the door for our morning walk when a loud "BANG" hit the house, as if a large truck had struck the other side.   This would normally be the point at which we would look at each other and say, "Hey, was that an earthquake?";  but this time in less time quicker than we could draw a second breath it crescendoed into a savage fury unlike anything I have ever felt on the mainland.  Then it got worse.  And then it kept going.   The framing of the house creaked and rattled like the Clappets riding their old pickup down a rough dirt road, and we could hear shattering glass, crashes and bangs from every part of the house.   We stared at each other wide-eyed, both thinking "Is this really happening?"   Kerrill hung onto the wall to keep from being knocked down.  I don't remember exactly what I did.

The Desolate Side of Maui

Good Morning Gentle Readers,

Most tourists never see the windswept, isolated, southern coast of Maui. It is haunting, beautiful, and largely uninhabited, stretching for just a few miles along an unimproved one lane road skirting the sea.

As Ever,

TWC

Stevie Crown

Good Morning Gentle Readers,

Reader Shelley Walker thinks that the man with the porkpie hat, the trenchcoat, and the Dick Tracy watch is a figment of the Wine Commonsewer imagination. Not so, and here he is with Jake and the House Blond in Maui at Aloha Mixed Plate, one of the few places on the Island with excellent and relatively inexpensive food and grog. Plus the drinks are good. In case you didn't notice, the shirt is a drinking man's shirt. Stevie is to booze what Cheech is to dope.

Stevie Crown, the embodiment of Ricky Nelson's Travelin' Man (Think: pretty Polynesian baby, over the sea....),  flew over to Maui from Honolulu after performing some kind of unseemly business for the Dark Side.

I got an email from him today and I quote.....    

Now I am offshore once again with our Sailors. Quite a rewarding experience! Morale with the troops is quite high. Unlike the news media, most of them support George.

Hell, I thought he was on his way to Japan. Hope I haven't gotten him killed by publishing this photo.

As Ever,

TWC

A Blight Upon The Land

Good Morning Gentle Readers,

The same people who scream bloody murder when somebody wants to build a home on the ridgeline in Laguna Beach or who drown the local planning commission in outrage because somebody wants to put up a cell tower disguised as a fake tree often applaud this kind of crap.

When Captain John, the Four Winds snorkel boat pilot, opined that it was about time Maui used it's gale force wind tunnel for something other than proving that Maalaea Harbor is the world's windiest harbor, TWC opined that these wind mills were uglier than dog poop. The heavy set woman thought I was obnoxious and claimed that they weren't as ugly as smog (a debatable point to be sure).

Will Rogers once said that you should never miss a good chance to shut up. Mrs TWC is on that boat and at the behest of her pointed elbow jabs, I shut up and smiled before I could point out that Maui doesn't have any smog and burning fossil fuels to provide electricity is certainly less irritating to the eyes, nose, and lungs than the ritual burning of used sugar cane in the valley that one can smell all the way to Kaanapali Beach.

Yes, we have those detestable windmills in Californicate as well. Cabazon, a hellish place at the edge of the desert that would be hard pressed to get any uglier, is filled with them and has been for years.

Of late, certain Eco-facist organizations have begun to oppose windmills because they kill birds. They're so repulsively ugly that the tiny bird hearts stop beating and the birds then fall to certain death. The Sierra Club isn't among those and recently filed suit against the Pentagon for delays in approvals of wind farms.

I might also point out that it is illegal for TWC to install an old fashioned nostalgic windmill to pump water. You've seen them before and they were a common sight across rural America fifty years ago. But the county and the neighbors deem them too ugly to be allowed at Casa de las Rocas Grande.

The windmills are a maintennance headache. Hundreds of them in Cabazon don't work and the ground beneath them is littered with parts and other debris that has fallen or blown off the windmill. Not too likely to get fixed either since the investment pools, limited partnerships, & tax shelters that jumped in initially have milked all of the tax credits and subsidies out of the deal and have no further incentives. It is fairly apparent that absent fat government subsidies and tax credits, wind farms wouldn't exist at all because they simply are not economically viable.

And finally, to reach the goal of providing 5% of US energy needs by 2020 using wind power we need 132,000 more of these 300 foot tall behemoths with wing spans approaching 175 feet.  How about one in your backyard?

As Ever,

TWC

Barefoot Cabernet

Aloha Gentle Readers,

Got several emails asking when I'd do another wine review. I'm on vacation man, but here goes.

Despite coming with a fancy gold sticker on the bottle neck proclaiming that the wine had won three (or so) prestigious Gold Medals, Barefoot Cabernet is just barely okay (get it? Just Barely).

Being in Hawaii, I even tried it without shoes. No help. If you let it breath for a long time it gets more tolerable but mostly it's a cheap cab with that cloying sort of sweet taste that often gets passed off as cherries.

For the record, Barefoot Cab is better than Glen Ellen or Two Buck Chuck, but for the money, you'd do better with Mondavi's cheap non-denominational Cabernet. Buy it by the 1.5 liter bottle for $9-$14. (Sorry, I just can't call it a magnum).

Props for a great name and advertising stragedy though (Yes, I attended the Bugs Bunny phonics  class).

As Ever,

TWC

Serendipidty & The Shrinking Globe

Aloha Gentle Readers,

The man with the porkpie hat, trench coat, and Dick Tracy watch was in Honolulu doing some nefarious business for the Dark Side when my cell phone rang and someone said Hey, I'm catching a plane over to Kahului Airport right now whatdddyaa doing?

It all came together at Leilani's on Kaannapali Beach this afternoon (Sunday) with Stevie Crown, Ray, and TWC. Ray's a surfer who's pretty much lived in the islands for 35 years and originally met up with Stevie Crown when they were roommates on Oahu way back in the dark ages (an upscale neighborhood on the other side of Diamond Head). Ray's little bro was a cabbie that hustled the boys hot looking honies. Hey, babe, why not come party with me and my friends at my beach house? I can assure you, I wasn't having nearly that much fun in my early twenties.

Ray was taking it easy with Coors Lite, anticipating the ride to the airport. Stevie Crown (I told you so) was downing Crown Royale, and of course, TWC was drinking wine (Dynamite Cab).

Laughter with old friends and new is definitely the best medicine.

As Ever,

TWC

A Cooooooler Wedding Than Ours

Aloha Gentle Readers,

The thermostat was left on at 95 degrees in the chapel for a week straight before we got married. The candles all melted in the heat and the place was as oppressive as Baton Rouge in late August. Old ladies were fainting.

BTW, this chick, er, bride, is much thinner and much more attractive than she may appear in this photo.

As Ever,

TWC