The Wine Commonsewer™

So Long Jim

Good Morning Gentle Readers,

Funny the things you remember about people. I was out like trout, crashed in my banana chair near the water's edge. Flat worn out, beered out, just done. It was a hot sultry Colorado River night a long dang time ago when some jackass shined (shone?) a ten D-Cell blast of white light in my face. I was about to be all kinds of PO'd until I noticed the glint of the badge. Face in twilight, badge clear.

Badge: Know this guy? Says he knows you.

TWC: Yeah, I know him. Why?

Badge: Well, we found him out on Rice Road past Vidal Junction. Refused medical attention. Asked us to take him here. He's yours.

Jim was a mess. A little delirious from dehydration and his face had the perfect impression of the bottom of a Bud can circling his left eye, giving him the appearance of a raccoon pirate. Some bonehead thought it was a great idea to toss him a beer at 70 miles per. Hanging out the window...hey man, you look hot, have a beer. Laughing all the way to Vidal Junction, never realizing they hit him in the face. Hard to figure how long Jim lay by the side of the road before somebody reported it (no cell phones in those days). And here he was. Got dang, Jim, get yourself some ice. Drink some water. Stretch out. Sleep it off.

I don't know, the memory is kind of fuzzy. It was a guys-only weekend trip and some of the guys got his dander up over something. Anyway, he decided he was going to hitchhike home. Problem was that all the traffic heading back to the big city was absent on Saturday night. Sunday woulda been a piece of cake. Of course we tried to talk him out of it, but he was proud.

Jim was an eclectic sort of guy who once introduced me to Robert, a stoner hippie-artist Eastern-religion drop-out who needed a bath and once painted a picture of a Peterbilt for Jimmy Hoffa.  I mean, how cool is that?

But I suppose I owe him the most for that one night at the gas station. Lawdy I was pissed off. Pretty sure it was a Texaco station at Goldenwest and Garden Grove Blvd at, like, 3:00 am. Jim was fond of the middle of the night for some reason. It was fate or coincidence or karma or whatever. Jim was big on karma. Mike, everything is happening just the way it's supposed to be happening. I awoke alone sometime after midnight and realized that skank Ruth Ann (hope she's reading this) was naked in somebody's bed besides mine. Somehow, I found myself filling the tank with hi-test with a loaded 7.35 mauser tucked behind the bench seat of that hopped up El Camino I used to have (that's now worth $15,000.00). 350 with an Offy hi-rise, four speed, dah, dah, dah, dah.......but I digress. It never was fast enough to beat Jeffie-Pooh's Duster. More digression.

So I look up and there's Jim, lit cigarette, Cheshire grin, hanging out the window of his green Camaro with a hey, what the heck are you doing out at this time of night?

TWC: I'm going to kill that b**ch.

He thinks I'm kidding. Then I show him the rifle. He wonders out loud if maybe a handgun would be better and asks where the .357 is. I don't answer because I'm an idiot.

Then, without thinking twice.......

Jim: Glad you're going to kill her. She deserves it. Tell you what, I'll help you do it. Let's go across the street to Spires, have some coffee, maybe some breakfast, and we'll plan it out so you won't get caught.

Now I'm not saying that anything might have happened, but the point is that Jim never missed a beat. We had our coffee and eggs, didn't talk much about the slut, and that was that.

And now, apparently everything has happened just the way it was supposed to and Jim's gone. He'd moved off to New Mexico with wife number one. Then there was Michelle and her daughter Allisha (thanks, Sean). Anyway the important thing is that he loved that little girl (although she's not little any more), that much was pretty clear.

We hadn't seen much of each other in the ensuing years but, damn, thirty some-odd years is a long time to know anybody. Got dang, has it really been that long?

At the rate things are going I'm going to be out of friends by 2011. Don't much pay to be friends with TWC lately.

Happy Mundane.

As Ever,

TWC

Baby Lock The Door and Turn the Light Down Low

Good Morning Gentle Readers,

So, lately the House Blond has taken to what Col Hogan calls Music For Dumb People. He's apparently missed the finer points of CUH after three martoonis (when his cane don't work so good) and Jerry Jeff Walker belting out Up Against The Wall Redneck Mother and he's obviously never enjoyed a cold beer and a nicotine contact-high on a hot afternoon in the ambience of a smoky bar with Willie and Waylon, nor can he appreciate how much I Love This Bar touchs (defines?) a broad swath of Americana. Except for the Dixie Chicks, Babs (both of them, actually), Cindy Sheehan, and the anti-war crowd who all, to a man, figure the best part of Toby Keith got flushed yesterday. But, I digress.

Have to confess that it sets up an odd sort of discontent to hear seven-year-old Katie wandering around the place singing Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off. Not sure she should be watching the Honky Tonk Badonkadonk video either because all of us guys know exactly what Trace Adkins is saying. Exactly. Already warned her about that crap, I know, daddy, I know. Now shhhhhh, I can't hear the song.

Sure, she still loves Hillary Duff, but I'm telling you, it's almost time to lock her in the basement.

As Ever,

TWC

Mrs TWC & the Elephants

Gentle Readers,

Been shoveling you-know-what for The Man (that used to mean The Cops) for about six weeks and I forgot to mention that Mrs TWC is at the Californicate Republican Party Convention in San Jose today. She'll be working a panel on the evils of the Public School monopoly in this great state along about 2:00 pm.

There are a few long time readers at the convention that may be receiving TWC on Blackberry, laptop, or cell phone. Hey guys, this is your wake up call. Get over to:

California Schools: Reforms & Roadblocks

Don't you think that GOP logo looks more like a mailbox with a downspout?

As Ever,

TWC

Disclaimer: this site does not endorse political parties except when we do. This is not one of those times.

Critical Mass of 666

Gentle Readers,

..... another version of Govermentium that you may not have seen before. This may have inspired the content of the previous post:

The August 2000 fire at the Los Alamos Laboratory had one significant consequence. A secret scientific document, discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire, was leaked to the public last weekend. Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all along that, besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists. This startling new discovery -- the heaviest element now known to science -- has been tentatively named GOVERNMENTIUM (Gv).

Conspiracy theorists speculate that Governmentium has been in existence since the time of the Manhattan Project or even the Philadelphia Experiment, and kept top-secret by the CIA. Perhaps its existence accounts for the explosive growth of bureaucracy over the last half-century. This astonishing element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 35 deputy neutrons, 80 vice neutrons, 145 supervisory neutrons, 165 team leader neutrons and 225 consulting neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 666.

These 666 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "MORONS", themselves surrounded by vast and undeterminable quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is INERT. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a miniscule amount of Governmentium causes a reaction which would normally take less than a second over four days to complete. Unlike all other known elements, Governmentium does not decay measured according to its half-life, but instead undergoes continuous reorganization in which assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons and vice neutrons exchange places, causing a sample mass of Governmentium to actually INCREASE over time since with each reorganization some of the PEONS inevitably become MORONS, and, finally, neutrons, thereby forming entirely new isotopes. This characteristic of PEON-MORON promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever MORONS anywhere reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "CRITICAL MORASS."

Governmentium has been found to concentrate in certain key locations such as governments, large corporations, and especially in universities. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists warn that Governmentium is known to be toxic and recommend plenty of alcoholic fluids followed by bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

Tentatively attributed to William DeBuvitz

tip of the glass to Samizdata

BTW, that's Virginia Postrel's book under Popper's book under the Pistola in the logo at Samizdate. Tah Dah!

198 Assistant Deputy Neutrons

Good Morning Gentle Readers:

Last fall's hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.  The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy Neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

As Ever,

TWC

tip of the glass to KFC in Fla

Huh? Yes, I know that this has been floating around the email circuit for quite some time. But it's worth repeating for the lessons contained therein.

The Age Guage

Gentle Readers,

Type your birth date into the pop-up screen that opens when you click here and watch with amazement as you immediately feel a couple of decades older than you really are.

As Evoir,

TWC

tip of the glass to Ron K

Jazz for Kids

TWC tends to dismiss stuff like this as bordering on pyschobabble, but this site might have something to offer. The schtick is, of course, a push to interest kids in jazz by providing the right kind of listening experience (buy my CD please). But the pre-conceptions are all wrong.

Photographer Carol Friedman initially wrote the book Nicky the Jazz Cat to pay homage to Nicky and the musicians she had known and photographed over the years. In the process she realized that...

Nicky could be the perfect jazz messenger for kids. Knowing that young ears would not respond to the extended instrumentals and sophistication that are often hallmarks of jazz, she began a search for jazz tunes that would have a particular appeal to kids.

And therein lies the problem. I hate to break it to Carol but Jake and the House Blonde's young ears enjoy jazz and it didn't take any special efforts to make that happen. Often as not they drift off to dreamland accompanied by mellow jazz. If it's good music that appeals to the ear kids will tune in. If it's lousy worked-over progressive disco masquerading as smooth jazz then the kids will tune out.

If you want your kids to like jazz, play it around the house. A simple, tasteful exposure to the genre as Cosby has done with his Lil Bill soundtracks works as well as anything to instill an appreciation for jazz in young audiences. Subtle exposure won't leave pre-schoolers clamoring for Stan Getz albums, but it gives them a platform of overall experience to draw from and will lay the groundwork for a broader musical palette later in life.

Jazz has a long history of turmoil and change since it's rebellious and forbidden counterculture roots from whence it mainstreamed during the 40's & 50's. Then came the near-death experience in the 70's & 80's (thanks to the Japanese, the corpse never got cold) and finally its resurgence in our era (yes all these terms and dates are loose fitting).

Tip of the glass to jazz, a true American art form that has done more for romance than any other musical styling. Come on, cozy fireplace, bottle of good red, great conversation, the promise of dessert, and what's in the CD player? Ozzie Osbourne or John Klemmer?

Shoulda called him Nicky the Cool Cat. Nicky's website is here.

Oh, that's Lionel Hampton and Nicky.

And now back to the Project From Hell......... and maybe a glass of wine in an hour or so.

As Ever,

TWC

Shotgun Sings The Song

Gentle Readers,

Apparently Cheney isn't any more careless than anybody else or maybe Whittington isn't any more careless than anybody else. Not sure which, but I ain't going hunting with any of these Hands or the Vice President, guaranteed. No big disappointment there because TWC mostly hunts in the Meat Department of the local groceria leaving the 12 guage free for the mostly inedible varmints (cute bunnies and ugly rattlers) that dare trespass here at Casa de las Rocas Grande.

poll here

Jesse Walker asks how many of them had heart attacks afterward?

Jim S points out that a car ride with Ted Kennedy is still nominally more risky than a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

As Ever,

TWC

tip of the glass to Davey Jones

S Corp Audit Odds Just Bumped Up

Good Morning Gentle Readers,

Although this was written seven months ago, it languished in the draft box until I realized this morning that this was supposed to be up back in July. Hmmm. Our policy is to always blame the computer, so there ya have it. Old news is better than no news I suppose.

Traditionally small 'C' and 'S' corporations have, for the most part, escaped close scrutiny by IRS because it has been far more cost effective for the IRS to focus on higher income Schedule C filers.

Today, about 60% of all corporations in America are 'S' Corporations and the IRS has decided to take a harder look at a few of them. Five thousand of them to be precise. In the overall scheme of sheer numbers, that isn't a huge uptick in the risk of audt to the average 'S' corporation, but those who get the nod will find themselves in for a treat as this is a research project.

"The use of S-corporations has exploded," said IRS Commissioner Mark Everson. "The IRS needs a better understanding of what this means for tax compliance."

A similar study of individual tax returns determined that taxpayer chicanery in 2001 ensured that an estimated 350 billion dollars stayed in the hands of those who earned it instead of  being shoveled into government furnaces in DC.

It is pretty much a given that one signficant focus of these random audits will be owner/stockholder compensation. If the owner/stockholder works for the 'S' corporation he or she must receive a salary. That sounds like a given but because of the quirky nature of S corporations, (dividend) distributions are not subject to social security (self-employment) taxes. I was trying to get that last sentence into English and what it boils down to is that when you take money out of the S corporation it is treated like a draw from a partnership or a sole-proprietorship, but in reality the profits are what is distributed and those are taxable but unlike a partnership the profits are technically dividend distributions and therefore are not subject to self-employment (social security tax). Not surprisingly, there is an exploitable incentive there and owner/stockholders have used that to their advantage over the years often saving as much as ten thousand dollars a year per owner in self-employment tax. IRS doesn't like that and insists that there has to be reasonable salaries paid to owner/stockholders.

Our compromise is to peg the salary at say $40,000.00-$50,000.00 per year, which still saves thousands in self-employment tax. Disclaimer: no guarantees that this strategy will work every time and the specifics are beyond the scope of this discussion.

As Ever,

TWC

Not So Pretty In Pink

Good Morning Gentle Readers:

This thing has been around the email circuit a dozen times or more over the years. It is supposed to illustrate the truism that guys are destined to take the romance out of any chick's evening.

TWC suggests that it offers an object lesson about how we perceive our world and the assumptions we tend to make about seemingly obvious situations. 

Many of you Gentle Readers, especially those of the female persuasion, will click on the picture, nod to yourselves, smile and murmur a bit, perhaps chuckle, and without a second thought will casually assume that, once again, an unthinking throwback-of-a-guy has pretty much put the brakes on another romantic evening.

And you would be wrong. Take a good look at what's in the glasses and you'll understand who actually popped the romance balloon.

Warning: contains a somewhat blurry view of a bare backside (not explicit) and if you would rather not see something like that, please don't click on the picture.

Yes, my jaw dropped in horror as well my friends. Unseemly? Irresponsible? Immature? Sorry, there is simply no way to take anything about this romantic evening seriously.

If you are having trouble with this test please see hint number two below.      

May you're St Vals Day turn out exactly as you hoped it would.

As Evoir, TWC

Tip of the glass to Rochelle and Randy 

HINT # 2:

She expected him to drink PINK wine.

Good Heavens, it’s just not done, man.